It has been seven weeks after surgery. Hard to believe! Time has flown by, thank goodness. And I hope it continues to!
I have recovered nicely from the surgery (according to my doctors) and I'm now finished with my weekly "fills" in my expanders. That's where the plastic surgeon fills my expanders (temporary implants, or my "pet rocks" as I like to call them :/ ) with fluid each week to gradually stretch out my skin. They're like placeholders for the real implants that I'll get at my final reconstruction surgery. The actual process of filling them hasn't been bad, since I'm still basically totally numb, but after each fill I was usually really sore for a couple of days. I reintroduced myself to my old friend hydrocodine a couple times after the fills. I was not expecting the pain to be as bad as it was. But with each fill I started to feel better and better about the way I looked post surgery and with that I started feeling more and more like my old self again. Not gonna lie- those first couple of weeks after surgery were really really rough. I was sore, sick, stuck at home, and looking in the mirror nearly made me cry every time. Now not only did I have no hair, but I had no boobs, and instead, I just had a couple of giant scars! It was like a worst nightmare come true. I felt like I looked like (the bride of) Frankenstein! That may have been my lowest point of this whole thing... that week after surgery. But since, I have gotten stronger and stronger and am feeling MUCH better now! I've started working out again, last week I played tennis for the first time, and I've been getting in some tough workouts at the gym. I've been pleasantly surprised at how well I have been able to tolerate the workouts! Tennis went OK, but serving was a little rough with my right arm. That's the arm where they removed 15 lymph nodes. I was not expecting the lymph node thing to be so horrible but it was the worst part! What's funny is that I didn't even know until my follow up appointment a week after surgery that my doctor had removed 15 lymph nodes. I remember thinking "OK well that explains a lot!" My right armpit hurt so bad and it took a while to get my mobility back in that arm. I still have a big indention in my armpit and it's so numb under there. Then, at my first doctor's appointment after the surgery my oncologist told me about "lymphedema" which sounds like a horrible thing that I'm trying to avoid. Apparently when you have your lymph nodes removed, the fluids in your arm don't drain through your "lymph system" anymore like they should (or something like that) and you run the risk of getting lymphedema- the swelling of the hand and arm. It's a disease that won't go away but can just be maintained. Ugh. They recommend wearing a compression sleeve any time I fly or exercise..... forever. Nobody had warned me about this! There are all different theories on lympedema and wearing the sleeve... but I'm for sure wearing it on flights and kind of feeling it out for the exercise thing.
As far as the hair is concerned, well, it's growing!! The top is maybe about an inch long. It's growing in thick and darker. I thought I would be happy to just have hair but now that I just have hair I want it to be normal hair again. I still have the problem where I'm jealous of every person that I see that has hair. It's just such a weird thing to be jealous of EVERYONE I see. haha. Your hair is definitely part of your identity and it's hard to feel like my same self now! I'm going to get one more "system" soon that I will have for the wedding, and then I may try to go "system free" later in the summer. I don't know. I'm always trying to figure out which is the lesser of two evils--- super short boy hair or fake hair. Both options suck to be quite honest! But I'm trying to make it all work. I know I just need to be happy to be here, and I am, but now that I've gotten through the hardest part I just want my normal self and life back! I know it will just take time. Sigh. Any hair growth tips are welcomed!
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| This is my hair as of now, with a little over 2 months of growth! Only a couple more years and maybe I'll like it again :) |
Anyways, we are getting so excited for the wedding! It's only about 24 days away. I think everything is ready to go besides my head :) But oh well!! I'm hoping everything else will be perfect and I won't think about it too much. We are taking "engagement pictures" later- like a year from now when I have more hair, and I'll take my bridal portraits later, too. After the wedding, we will go on a little mini vacation to Port Aransas with our families (Kelly's family will be here from Canada!) and then I will have to come back to Dallas to begin radiation on June 30th. The doctors said waiting until after the wedding was totally fine since I had such a good pathology report, but they want me to start pretty quickly afterwards. So we will have a delayed honeymoon in late August since I need 6 1/2 weeks of radiation. Then I will have my final reconstruction surgery in December. So it will be over a year from the date I was diagnosed to finally being "finished" with all of my procedures.
One thing I have done is to try and gain more knowledge on the subject of cancer, but I'm trying not to stress over it or let it take over my life. I read from many fellow survivor's blogs that they are anxious and nervous every day that the cancer is going to come back. Any time that they feel sick or just a little off, they're worried it's cancer. I don't know why, but I'm just not worried like that. I feel so proud of how far I have come, that I heard those fabulous words that I am "cancer free," and I do NOT plan on ever having cancer ever again. I mean, that's why I had my bilateral mastectomy- so it has nowhere to come back. I know it can return elsewhere, but I just don't see any point in worrying about that. It's not my personality to worry about things (a blessing and a curse..) but worrying won't change anything! I now know that I got this awful disease because I have the BRCA1 gene, and not because I did anything wrong. Not because I ate too much buttery popcorn, drank too many sodas or.. ahem.. vodka waters, not because of wine, and not because I stood near a microwave or put a cell phone in my sports bra. There are so many ridiculous theories out there! I just don't feel like I need to totally change my life around to keep it away. Of course, I'm definitely trying to maintain a healthier lifestyle, but I'm not going to stress about every little thing in my body or things that I do in my day to day life. I just want things to go back to "normal", although I know "normal" is going to be a little different now. Every day I am just happy to be alive! I am so thankful for the kindness that has been expressed to me over the past few months, and this whole ordeal has really made me have a new outlook on life. I'm trying to stay focused on the positive, and I'm thanking the Lord every day that the hardest part is over and I'm cancer free!! I will keep the updates coming although they'll probably mainly just be me whining about my hair from now on.... LOL. Poor Kelly has to hear it all the time! Thanks again to each and every person who has commented, sent well wishes, cards, gifts, monetary donations, flowers, or anything else... I can't wait to pay the kindness forward to others for the rest of my life! That's all for now.... keep loving on your hair for me as always!! XOXO
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| Update with new hair that I'l have for the wedding!!! Thank the lord for Follicure! |
